Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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