here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My vagina is officially offended.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
