i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
