I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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