I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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