even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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