she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
