don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
