haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
