Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
