Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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