Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I checked into jail on foursquare
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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