I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
