I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
