I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
