Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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