He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
