I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
