Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
