Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
PANTIES FOUND
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