my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
