I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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