the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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