i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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