My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
