you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
