Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
