So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
