girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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