I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
