Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
