she kept yelling 'call me bella'
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
