I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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