I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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