if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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