The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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