He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
