I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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