You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Randomize
