Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Randomize
