I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i believe in u and ur pee
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
