Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.