I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
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Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
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My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.