Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
