***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
