I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
