saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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