what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
