So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
