i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
