Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
