We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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