Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
