How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
