He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize
