See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
