I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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